I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own