I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*