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@rad_milk

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@Six_Pack_Mom

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

@ol_boo

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.