Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere