My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.