Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.