i think about this illustration by cécile dormeau a lot

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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk


First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*


You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.


What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly


My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.


I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.


My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.