I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born