I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.


Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.


[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips


If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.


“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.


Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.


The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever


Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend


Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol