I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
You Might Also Like
This headline is a thing of beauty
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.