I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone


Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”


Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.


God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.


Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.