If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.
In other news, I now have free internet.
If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.