@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

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@yoyoha

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

@PORNOPINION

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@girlontapas

If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.

@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?

@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.