@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

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@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@GimmieTheHam

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

@theshamingofjay

If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers

@thomas_violence

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

@SirEviscerate

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

@TweetPotato314

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper