I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
You Might Also Like
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am