I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
You Might Also Like
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?