Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
this is how life feels
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.