I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Planet of the Apps.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place