I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Danger is very dangerous
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
sin harder.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby