I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
me before I type out affect or effect
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Home #decor warning.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!