I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I put the p in pants.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?