@markleggett

I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.

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@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@dragonsorbet

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@jngraphs

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

@shadygrenade

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

@Maxine12333

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

@therealnauman1

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

@pattymo

After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”

@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum