got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
good for her
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!