God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
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There were going to be guns but this was funnier
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.