“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.