@Home_Halfway

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”

*sunglasses*

*turns to camera*

hunch.”

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@dadopotamus

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

@TheFunnySayings

My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

@o__0Dev

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@cxcope

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

@shenanigansen

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”