boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.
this has to be peak English
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”
*Starts making car alarm sounds*
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
ME: into a semi truck