@CArmanthegirl

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

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@robfromonline

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

@yerpalmildsauce

Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@Midgetspar

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

@ChicksRule

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

@clichedout

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck