Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Amazon: your package is 10 stops away
Me: *following the van* oh I know
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.