@poutinesmoothie

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

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@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@stacieooooo

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

@DaddyJew

Amazon: your package is 10 stops away

Me: *following the van* oh I know

@buck4itt

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.