I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”