Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
So creative 😂
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ