@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.

- @Sarcasticsapien

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@roxiqt

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

@shegotagronk

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious

@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

@JohnLyonTweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@NASHterpiece

I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.