Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
When I laugh on my period
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.