I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Worth the read.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
What if all the cashiers are married?