I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Mosh pit is just goth wrestling.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??
17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.
Me- go to your room.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??