@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

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@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@mortimermaiden

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@karlainvt

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??