I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
the saddest jazz hands ever
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.