I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.


Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”


Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs


Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.


[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter


Me: My stomach hurts.
WebMD: You’re a kid, trying to get out of something.


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.


my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear