I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My dog ate my work from home.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed