I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…