i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?