I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
You Might Also Like
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
🤣✨#caturday
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Friday
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now