@ManJuggs

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

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@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan

@jazmasta

That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@capnwatsisname

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.