I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
You Might Also Like
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.