I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle


This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer


I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off


My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week


A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?


*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”


Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.