I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

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[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*


It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors



*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]



Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.


Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.


I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace


I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”


*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings