This is brilliant
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
god: go to earth
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
<—- homeless romantic
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.