Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings