@BuckyIsotope: Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.

@KentWGraham: Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat? Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

@Jerrypleasure: [First Day as a doctor] Nurse: We need to draw some blood Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets Patient: *fainted*

@katiefzack: I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like "Oh she's cool she's one of us."

@sixfootcandy: BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes? ME: Can it wait until tomorrow? BOSS: Sure. Busy day? ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.