I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*