“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.