“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?