I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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