true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut