I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
my favorite genre of twitter
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.