I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
You Might Also Like
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg