I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You Might Also Like
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
So sick of all these stupid rules
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography