The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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not for long
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.