I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My life coach traded me.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.