I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

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Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…


[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”


A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”


“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.


Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.


My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.