Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…
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“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.
I need a life.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.