I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
You Might Also Like
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!