People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Here’s a meme
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.