Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?
Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.