@TheBoydP

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

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@HomeWithPeanut

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

@Swishergirl24

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@FredTaming

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@sensualgifs

when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where

@davidkenny100

*Text

I’m on my way

Kurt Cobain: take your time

Ok cool

Hurry up

Er… sorry

The choice is yours

Oh! Ok

Don’t be late

Ffs dude!

@flahertykeely

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

@prufrockluvsong

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

@brynnester

Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.