My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm