Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.