I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*pronounces fake like saké*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”