A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Pass gas, not judgment.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday