@UGotMeRight

I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.

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@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

@Boladayy

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@TheRolo

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@bourgeoisalien

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

@shopkins776

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”