Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
You Might Also Like
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
this has to be peak English
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.