Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
when revenge coincides with naptime
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?