Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.