My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
OMG 🤣🤣
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol