I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
mood
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter